• About Us

Bringing Them Home

~ Carlson Family Adoption

Bringing Them Home

Monthly Archives: June 2015

There Will Be Days

25 Thursday Jun 2015

Posted by PJCarlson in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Momma said it….or at least somebody’s momma did. There will be days like this.
We haven’t had a bad day or anything. I would say our day today was pretty normal. We are continuing to learn what challenges we will face both with the children as we work to instill in them spiritual things, values, morality, right thinking/acting, & so much more, and with our new family dynamics. We are doing the best we can and know how to do with our limited experience. Amy and I often think of how grateful we are for the friends in our lives who have blazed the trail of adoption ahead of us and the wisdom, encouragement, and love they continue to show.

One funny dynamic happens with our youngest (A). Well, it’s funny from an interesting perspective, not an LOL perspective. In one moment she will be very affectionate and engaging – at least for her. She’s definitely an introvert and takes a while to warm up to people (All my friends/family at home, please remember this when you meet her!). She has a cute laugh and is very loving when she is comfortable….but she’s got a major stubborn streak. So, one moment or day she’ll be very engaged and loving, and then the next she will scowl at you as if you are the last person on earth she wants to be around. Last night momma was the best thing in the history of her young life. Then this morning she refused to give momma a hug and would barely even look at her! Then, a while later, she crawled in her lap and hugged on her for five minutes.
Curiouser and curiouser.

This is VERY minor (I just heard all the adoption folks who have dealt with much worse roll their eyes!) and we understand this. But it got me thinking about some things. We have read stories like this before we came to Poland, as we prepared for this process. Many of the stories we read were tragic and much more traumatic on both the child and the parents. We are well aware we have very limited knowledge at this stage of our new life. I do not want you to think I believe we have it all figured out or know exactly what we’re doing. We certainly don’t. But there are a few things, seven to be exact, I’ve really been thinking about and Amy and I have been talking about, as this process has unfolded before us. I thought I’d share them with you.

1. Check Your Expectations At the Airport
Everyone wants the fairy-tale adoption story. You know the one where the child(ren) see you pull up to the foster house and begin jumping up and down with excitement. The car stops and you begin to get out. They run to you, throw their arms around you and profusely thank you for coming to change their life! I’m sure this has happened somewhere, but I seriously doubt it’s the norm.
Or the one where the family instantly gels as a cohesive unit. All the children get along and have all kinds of things in common. No one gets on each others nerves; no one has dysfunction evident in their lives; no one experiences withdrawal, grief, or culture shock; everyone believes in what your’e doing….etc, etc, etc. Oh, and the unicorn is tied to the rainbow in the back yard.
The best thing you can do as an adoptive family, is check your expectations at the airport. The expectations of what will happen those first few weeks will most likely not happen. You will have challenges AND victories you never thought of before. You’ll have things thrown your way for which you were not looking. NOTHING in life ever happens the exact way we have planned it out in our head, so check your expectations at airport.
Instead, take it day by day, as it comes. Don’t get thrown off course by the hard or scary or frustrating things. Trust God through the things which happen exactly like you pictured and the things which don’t. You’ll have many more of those, so learning how to trust God through the unexpected is best discovered in the early stages of adoption, long before your feet reach the soil of the adoptive country.

2. Round & Round & Round
What I described above about our youngest is much more the norm. There will be days you feel like you made huge progress. The kids show affection. They listen. They obey. They take a bath. They are just kids and you breathe a sigh of relief. But then you take a few steps back. They wet the bed, they can’t tell you what’s wrong because they don’t even know, major tantrum eruption, you have a day or two where you just can’t get on the same page. Everything feels like it’s falling apart. Then, it all changes again and things begin to look up. I’m no expert, but I think this is normal.
I mean, think about it. Their entire world has just been flipped upside down. All of the sudden these strangers show up, hug and kiss them, tell them they love them, and they’re supposed to call them “mommy” & “daddy.” Then, they’re uprooted from whatever “normal” has been and whatever routine they have established and are asked to learn brand new things very quickly. This is hard on any child.
Our best defense for this is patience and grace. It’s easy to get frustrated or angry because you’ve shown them sixty-three times where to put their laundry, but it won’t help. They need grace. You need to maintain your sanity. I say choose both!

3. Your Child(rens) EMOTIONAL Age Probably Doesn’t Match Their CHRONOLOGICAL AGE
I think it was in our Hague adoption training where the facilitators mentioned the statistic orphans are one month behind for every three months they’ve spent in less than optimal care. This means if your child is three years old and has been in an orphanage their entire life, they’re not three years old. More like two years old, and they act like it! Doesn’t that explain A LOT??
Even if your child is in foster care….is that “optimal”? Well, it’s probably better than an orphanage (depending on the foster home), but I’m not sure we could qualify that as 100% optimal. Please, if you’re a foster parent, take no offense to that statement. I’m just saying living in a foster home isn’t the same as living in a forever home. That is hardly debatable.
So, chronologically our children are 9, 6, 5, and 3. But much more likely (and we think their behavior, emotional capacity, etc lends enormous credibility to this) they are 7, 5, 4, and 2. The younger aren’t quite as far behind as they’ve had less time in less than optimal care.
The good news is you WILL catch them up. But it will take time. I can’t remember the exact statistics on this, but it’s something like the same amount of time in reverse. So it takes three months in optimal care to make up one month of less than. I’m not 100% on these numbers as I’m going from memory. Bottom line, keep in mind the children’s chronological age likely doesn’t match the age at which they are processing life. This is an important fact for family and friends of adoptive kiddos to remember when they return home.

4. Less Than Optimal
It’s called this for a reason. Minimally, orphans were given up by their birth parents for a myriad of reasons we shall never know. In the worse case, the children lived with their parent(s) for a while but then at some point removed from the home. In this case, the trauma is two fold. First, what was happening at that home which caused it to be a dangerous environment for the children to be removed? Secondly, regardless of the answer to the first question, the child will be traumatized because of being removed from the only family they’ve ever known – even if that family was destructive. Every orphan has wounds….even if they cannot articulate what those wounds may be. This issue is what makes caring for orphans both difficult and critical. Less than optimal means exactly what it says and it needs to be kept in mind. They’ve spent a lot more time in this kind of care than the excellent care you’re providing. They neither know how to process this nor even exist within it. Don’t let this throw you….just stay the course.

5. It Won’t Always Be This Way
Oh, for the love of all things that are Polish keep this in mind!! While you’re in the adoptive country everything seems to compound into frustration. I’ve written before about all the conveniences we American’s take for granted often absent while in country. Couple this with the two-steps forward and three-steps back scenario, and you have a recipe for explosiveness. If you’re not careful, these little frustrations become major issues and can drive wedges between you and the people you care most in the world about. I know this seems crazy, but after doing marriage counseling for fifteen years, I can tell you it’s rarely the major issue providing the wedge in a marriage, but the compounding of small, insignificant annoyances.
IT WON’T ALWAYS BE THIS WAY!
You will go home.
You will again sleep in your bed.
You will get to eat at Taco Bell again (though today our craving was Five Guys)
You will help facilitate the healing of your children’s lives. Scars will remain, but healing will come.
You will get to (or have to) go back to work, life, friends & family.
You will settle in to a new normal and full bonding will happen.
There will be fewer and fewer days of regression.
I was texting with my mom tonight. She texted essentially what sums this section up: “It will be interesting to look back a year from now and see what God and consistent love will do!”
So true, mother….so true.

6. Resist the Temptation to Compare
I think this one is huge. There are always people who seem to have had an easier time OR people who are having a much harder time. One of the most detrimental things you can do is compare your experience with someone else’s. Gleaning insight from those who’ve gone before you is a worthwhile and important thing to do. But comparing your experience to theirs is not helpful.
Instead, embrace what God has put before you….including the warts, lice, lack of clothing, scabies, fear, and whatever else the children may bring with them.
Remember, they also come with beauty, innocence, curiosity, wonder, and hope.
Embracing the children and whatever they bring is key to living in faith and trusting God. If you’re always comparing your situation to what He has done in/through others, you will have a miserable existence. Trust God is giving you exactly what He’s appointed for you and your family….and for that child. He most assuredly chose you for them….but He also, just as much, chose them for you. Embrace it.

7. Today is NOT Tomorrow
His MERCIES are NEW EVERY morning! Whatever today has been – good and bad – leave it in today. He will give you the mercy and grace you need to face tomorrow, whatever it may bring. It may be harder than today. It may be more joyful than today. It may be lavished with victory or burning with setback. Regardless, His mercy is apportioned for you to face whatever may come. So rest easy…..Jesus said not to worry about it. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.

This time you spend early in the adoption process called “bonding” has one purpose as far as I can tell: Trust. We want to build solid lines of trust. Why? Because in a couple short weeks, we get to go home. And while the part of our family who made the first jump across the pond is looking forward to familiar and comfortable things, for our newest additions, this will just be another season of turmoil as we start over finding our new normal. Hopefully, we will have built enough trust and will be able to keep these thoughts in mind to have good days…..lots and lots of good days.

A Happy ANY-Day

21 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by PJCarlson in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

adoption, family, family tree, journey, nee name

I’ve purposely waited until today to write this post. Today is father’s day in the good ‘ol US of A. My fatherly type friends at home will gather with their families today, call their own fathers and grandfathers on the phone, and hopefully enjoy a nice T-Bone steak on the grill accompanied by some peace and quiet….or something like that.

I, on the other hand, am in the middle of no-where (a picture of the town in which we are staying is literally the cover photo of the “Middle of No-Where” Wikipedia page. OK, not LITERALLY, but it could be!), eating over-boiled perogies, enduring the immense noise emitted by eight children, and watching them collect snails in between rain showers.

I’m not sure who has the better deal today….although a juicy steak would be nice! Medium with a nice herb-butter glaze melting on top, pouring over the 2″ sides of the USDA Choice cut strip steak with maybe some au-gratin potatoes….I digress……

Court Selfie

Court Selfie

On Friday, Amy and I ventured to family court in the town of Slupsk in Northern Poland after three full weeks of constant bonding-contact plus three days because of the court schedule. Neither of us slept well Thursday night as we nervously anticipated the complexities of the legal proceedings. Our agency had provided us with potential questions the court may ask us, submitted by families who had cut the path to adoption previously, so we at least had some guidance. We also are grateful for the encouragement of our friends who, just a year ago, today (Father’s Day), I believe, brought home a sibling group of four of their own from North Central Poland. You can read their story here.

Since our judge does not normally hold court on Friday, we were the only thing on

The Docket...

The Docket…

the docket Friday morning. I wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or not. Other families had shared court was not much more than a procedural thing and would last from 30 minutes to an hour. I was thinking, though, without any other cases bumping us out of the room, we could be there as long as the judge wanted to work on us!
I was right!

In the court room, which unfortunately was not as awesomely grand as some of the Grisham novels I’ve read and movies I’ve watched, we headed with our hired certified interpreter and wonderful country liaison, Grace. The judge was seated in the front, where you might expect the judge to sit. On either side of her sat the jury, and older gentleman who looked like a sweet grandpa one might enjoy shooting the breeze with on a country porch while sipping a mint julep, and an older lady with a kind smile and soft eyes. The judge was no older than me, and quite possibly younger. I wonder if Polish judges are elected or appointed? She wore the proverbial black robe, but also had a medallion of sorts hanging from her neck by a thick chain. The medallion looked to be the same symbol Poland uses on some of their national flags. The only other person at the front was the court secretary who would type everything into the record.

Amy, me, and our translator took our seats on one side of the courtroom, perpendicular to the judge’s seat. Across the way sat the prosecutor, representing the State, and the children’s legal guardian. I can’t say we knew this lady very well, but had met her on three or four separate occasions. The kids fondly called her “aunt” and loved seeing her the few times she visited us. By all accounts, she is a wonderful lady and an excellent foster mom to the children in her care. We knew she was on our side and SO happy the children were getting to stay together. Honestly, this was a little comforting knowing we had an ally on that side of the room. We weren’t yet sure about the prosecutor!

The judge called us to order and took care of some preliminary things like telling us all not to lie, reading the evidence (our dossier, social worker reports, recommendation letters, etc) into the record, and naming all the parties present for the proceedings.
Next, Amy was called to the stand.

Now you have to know something about Amy…..She isn’t a fan of public speaking. I had prayed she wouldn’t be grilled to talk about the things she wasn’t confident talking about. Hopefully the judge and prosecutor would stick to Amy’s bread and butter….school, organizing the house, what she has learned about the children, etc. A curve-ball might throw her off. I had also prayed the judge wouldn’t keep her on the stand for very long. I’m the talker, grill me!! God answered one of my two prayers.

She was on the stand for forty minutes! That’s an eternity to an introvert! Thankfully, they asked her only questions she was comfortable handling. She took it like a pro! The only catch was neither the judge nor the prosecutor had ever heard of homeschooling.
Like NEVER. NEVER EVER.
I could see the prosecutor’s face when Amy said we schooled the children ourselves at home and she was the teacher. The prosecutor’s face wrinkled up like you had just tried to feed her a delicious kielbasa seasoned with cockroaches! In that moment, I heard myself say to myself, “uh oh.” Now, our dossier fully explains homeschooling, why we do it, what we use, etc. I really wish the judge or prosecutor had actually READ our dossier. we had expected some questions in regards to our education choices, but we also expected the judge to be familiar with our dossier. Since they weren’t they asked several follow up, clarifying questions because they had never heard of it! It was all I could do to sit and let Amy speak. I wanted to jump in, defend our decisions, show them how important and good this could be, especially for our adoptive children. I’m the talker. Instead I had to sit there quietly and let Amy handle it. Which she did. I don’t expect the judge to be searching for homeschool curriculum on eBay anytime soon, but we cleared the hurdle.

Finally they let Amy off the stand and I took my place. My questions were more benign, I thought, focusing on the socialization of the children (I really think they were wondering if we ever left the house), support systems, plans should any of them need specialized care, etc. It took maybe 20 minutes. When I had finished, the court recessed to wait for the judge’s other curve-ball to arrive.
The children.

She asked the oldest of the two children to join her. She wanted to talk to them. Would have been splendid to know she wanted to do this on Thursday! So Abigail and Judah arrived and the judge took them, one at a time, in her chambers, alone, to talk to them about who knows what! We didn’t like this set up. Neither did Grace. Minimally, the children’s guardian should have able to be with them. I had the thought, this would probably never happen in the US!

After she talked to the kids, court resumed. Next up was the guardian. She testified the shortest and had nothing but positive things to say about our family and the children coming into it. We were grateful. She has been a foster mom for a long time and has some clout with the court. Her endorsement of our family, I believe, was important in this case.
When she had finished the judge asked the prosecutor if she had any further questions. She did not. Then the judge asked if there was anything else we wished to say. I simply said “thank you” for being flexible with our timeline getting all of our documents submitted. The judge had moved the date by a few days to help us out. I wanted to thank her for that. After this, we were dismissed so the judge and jury could make the final decision and prepare the court decree.

We went into the corridor to wait. I can’t really explain our feelings at this point. I think our emotions were full of relief it was over, yet apprehension we still didn’t know for sure what the judge was going to say. We did not anticipate a negative judgement, but she had already thrown us a couple curve-balls, and we really had no idea what the kids said to her or how she interpreted what they said….you know how children can be! We know in adoption it’s not done, until it’s done!

After about a half hour, we were summoned back into the courtroom for the judge to read the decree. There were some seven points to the decree and some other necessary details we needed to finalize, but the bottom line is, we became a family of 10 in that moment. A years worth of work, prayer, time, and energy culminated with two pieces of paper which transferred legal rights of parenthood to Amy and me. But really, A LOT more than just legal jargon happened.

As we sat and listened to our interpreter and the judge, at the same time, butcher our American names (she did the best she could!), the moment happened. I don’t remember which point of the seven it was, but she said something to the effect the children would be given new names. I almost lost it.

Kinga Weronica (surname omitted) would now be Abigail Kinga Carlson
Krystian Marek (surname omitted) would now be Judah Krystian Carlson
Klaudia (surname omitted) would now be Naomi Klaudia Carlson
Natalia Anita (surname omitted) would now be Shiloh Natalia Carlson

I held back my tears at that moment but kept thinking of the Scripture in Rev 2:17
To everyone who is victorious I will give some of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it.

I believe so many things were broken for our kids in that moment……chains to their past; generational brokenness; the plan of the enemy to steal, kill, and destroy; and probably more I’ll never know anything about.

But there were also things which were created…..a new plan for their lives – God’s plans to prosper them, plans for a future and a hope; a new opportunity to know the Lord; they traded generational cursing for generational blessing; their whole family tree changed – even the court records show their new parents and the names of their new grandparents; they became heirs of godliness, righteousness, and faithfulness; they inherited a heritage in that moment; and they gained a FAMILY. A basic need/right for all humans of which these children have always been deprived.

For the First Time!!

For the First Time!!

I mean C’mon!! The spiritual parallels to what God has done for all who believe in His name and are ADOPTED through Jesus Christ are immense! If you’re missing seeing them, I must say, you’re not looking! All of this is wrapped up in a new name……

And all of this is only possible because of an old one…..ONE name; THE name; Above all names.
Thank you, Jesus!

So, I will have a happy Father’s Day. Yes, I will have noise, dirt, and apparently snails (I think they found some clams still in the shell, too). I probably won’t get my juicy strip steak or au-gratin potatoes. But I have something better. I have eight children whose destinies have been forever tied to the plans the Father has for them….If they choose to follow their heritage, their purpose, there’s nothing God cannot do through them.

That, dear reader, is a Happy ANY DAY!

Finding Your Way Home

14 Sunday Jun 2015

Posted by PJCarlson in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

The times they are a changing.
I bet every generation has uttered these words or something similar as the world before them advances and changes right before their eyes. Bob Dylan even had a hit song by this very name. Every parent, at some point, realizes the world in which their children grow up will be (or more likely already is) vastly different than their own. All of us know this is the normal progression of human history, but we still find time to complain the “good ‘ol days” are long gone.

I think I was fortunate in some aspects of my upbringing. The house to which my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital was the same house in which I had my 10th birthday party. In fact nearly all of the major milestones of my life happened around Winding Waters Lane…..It’s where I parked my first car (an ’84 Chevy Cavalier, mind you); and the same house which hosted my graduation open house and Amy and my wedding shower. In fact, it wasn’t until just a few years ago my parents finally decided to downsize and sold the old homestead. That house, on Christiana Creek, was an important and consistent part of my life for 25+ years. It was home.

Home, though, isn’t just a house. It’s the people with which you share life. You see, I also grew up with predictable family functions – like the Christmas Eve gathering at my Clifton grandparents, and the New Years day shindig on the Carlson side. I knew where my aunts and uncles lived and actually grew up spending time with my cousins. Lots of time. I remember our family celebrating big days together, shedding lots of tears on the hard days-and we had some, and all in all sharing life together. I spent as much time at my grandparents homes as I did my own, especially in the summer. And who could forget how good my sister was at cheating at Old Maid (OK, maybe that was me!) on long road trips with my mom and grandparents. My life, for the most part, was stable, comfortable, consistent, and secure. I always knew my parents were there, my sister was just across the hall and if I was scared, on a good night, I could sneak into her bed past my dad in the living room, until he wised up to my sneakyness.

I’ll never forget the first time I went to college. Those first few months are the hardest and I was REALLY homesick by the time Fall Break rolled around. I’m pretty sure I made it from Springfield, MO to Elkhart, IN in around 8 hours; 600 miles in 8 hours. I knew everything would be OK once I pulled into that long gravel driveway.
I guess I’m saying I always knew my way home.

Nowadays it’s not this way. Our lives are so convoluted and chaotic many people don’t know if they’re coming or going. Life is crazy, without consistency, and without the deep sense of family I experienced as a child. Generally speaking anyway. People are isolated, forced to deal with good and bad alone far too often. Amy and I have always tried, and often unsuccessfully, to give our children the same sense of home with which I grew up. Chloe has known only three houses in her life, which is far less than her momma had known at her age. Isaac has only known one. We have worked hard to shield ourselves from the craziness, over-scheduled, and indulgent lifestyles our society seems to portray as normal – and many line up to prove them right. Though I cannot say we have never ventured into those expectations, I can say we haven’t gotten stuck there either. But this has required NOT doing some things everyone else was doing (can you imagine actually saying “no”!?!?!?!). I hope our children will say they were allowed to be kids – to ride their bike, play with the neighbors, and have sleepovers. That they loved the impromptu slip ‘n slides, picnics on the hill, and spur of the moment trips to the park. That someday when they’re raising their own children, they will look with (mostly) fondness on their childhood; that it was safe, and pure, and lovely. And when they think about it, they feel like they’ve come back home.

See home is more than a place. It’s more than a set of rooms set on a foundation. It’s more than a place to get your mail. Home is where your family gathers. Home is where you go when you need to celebrate or when you need to mourn. Home is where you go when you’re lonely, when you’re hurting, when you need to see familiar people or get a lick from the family dog. Home is where the proverbial heart is. Truly.

My biological children, and even Amy and I, have been saying the old “I want to go home” complaint. I think, while we love Poland, we long to be in that place where our family is (I use that term, not to indicate blood relations, but those with whom one does life), to be around our things, to drive the tractor, play with Char Char (our dog), and even just be able to go to Meijer for a couple of hours. We want to go home.

But then I think about our Polish kiddos. Have they ever had any of this? Where is home to them? What brings those feelings of familiarity and hope and that everything is going to be OK? Who celebrated good days with them and mourned the bad ones? We want to go home, but they’ve never really had a home to which to go! The home they came into from the hospital? That wasn’t a good place. Two separate foster homes in two years. While stable, they refer to their caregivers as “aunt” and “uncle”. This is not home, at least to me.

I don’t feel guilty over how we feel versus how they may feel. I know they’re excited to come to our home and be in our family. I’ve asked each of them numerous times. They are looking forward to the bunkbeds we have for them. They’re pumped about our giant yard. They’re even looking forward to being a part of our church. And of course they’re very excited to go to Disney World very soon!

But I know they have no idea the culture shock they’re about to experience. I know they have not thought about the soon to be necessity of learning a new language, just to survive. I know they have not quantified the possibility they may never again return to Poland, and even if they do, they are not likely to drive with fondness around their old stomping grounds in the same way I do Elkhart whenever I visit. I know the hill we are about to climb together will be high, steep, and challenging.

But I also know they will be safe with us. Their little hearts will all-the-way heal from whatever trauma they’ve experienced. Some scars may remain but healing will be total. I know they will experience the love of a very affectionate daddy and the patient kindness of an amazing mommy. I know they will sleep warm in the winter and eat popsicles in the summer to cool down. I know they will have Christmas sleepovers at Nana’s house, eating far too many cookies while I polish off the box of Mojos from Martin’s. I know they will soon know the love of a family of believers, what it’s like to truly have friends who will walk with you, and teachers who will pray for you every day of your life. I know they’re about to experience what’s it like to have a home…..

And I know, after this, they’ll always be able to find their way back.

SO LIVE!!!

06 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by PJCarlson in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

There are many highs and lows in the adoption process. We probably had a dozen celebratory dinners and I gnawed through three bottles of antacids. The highs are often very high and the lows often very low. I would say, though, after our first trip, we were trying to get back so fast by expediting our I-800 paperwork, nearly all the emotion was put on hold as we worked through the final “business” issues to clear the way to Poland. Once we left, all the emotions and excitement came flooding in. When we boarded that Lufthansa plane as six knowing we were coming back as ten, our emotions came flooding back. Welcome to the highest of highs in the adoption process!

We had already met the children, so while this was totally exhilarating, it wasn’t full of the emotions we felt the very first time. This time, I would describe it as relief…like coming home to your children after a ten day business trip. Glad to be united again. I certainly don’t want to minimize how we felt. That first week was full of family firsts – first meals, first night, first walk to town, first discipline, first caring for a scraped knee, and much more. Our hearts were getting fuller by the minute as each day of that first week passed. Then the calendar turned back to Monday. A new week.
I cannot understate this:  The adrenaline wore off. Welcome to, not the lowest of lows…welcome to LIFE.

I mean it’s inevitable, right? One cannot live on top of the mountain forever. Eventually, even the best of climbers has to come down to reality. We always want to stay on the mountain top. It’s beautiful there. Sure the air is thin and we could die of altitude sickness, but my goodness, look at those views!! It’s amazing. But have you ever noticed nothing grows on the mountain top? I mean on REAL mountains. Great to visit, but life can’t exist for very long. As slow as the climb to the top seems to have been, the descent is 100 times faster. We have to get back to life!
For us, this happened about 8 days in. Poland requires a 45 day trip (or so). We will be in-country 46 days, leaving on day 47. That’s a LONG TIME to be away from home, from familiar things, familiar people; a long time to be stuck in a bit of an alternative universe. The descent to reality was very fast. I feel like we’re in the valley now (this is not a bad place) so I thought I’d take this post and write about what some of you coming behind us might expect on your alpine descent.

1. You’re Going to Get Homesick – This is just a reality of living a month+ abroad. You have to understand you likely won’t have the conveniences of your own kitchen, bathroom, laundry facilities, and vehicle. At first it’s quaint and charming. “Oh look, honey, we get to hang our clothes to dry on the clothesline!” Such a mountain-top type statement. By day ten you are thinking about buying a dryer at Tesco just so you can get the laundry to a manageable pile!! Also, I’ve never washed so many kiddie cups in my life. By hand. I love my dishwasher. I may hug it the longest when we get home. Definitely longer than the dog! Now, you will likely not end up with eight children like us, but nonetheless, dishwashers and dryers are a bit of a luxury in Eastern Europe. Oh, and we’re literally stuck here. We can’t go anywhere because we don’t have a vehicle. If it’s not walkable, we’re not going without shelling out hundreds of zloty (thank God for a good exchange rate!! 100 PLN is about $28) to make it happen! I’m not complaining here. I’ve made my peace. I’m just warning you…..Expect to miss home, if not for the people, for the conveniences we take for granted in our everyday lives.

2. Your Kids are Going to Test You – All of them. Yep, even the ones you took with you across the pond. Everyone is learning a new normal. Everyone is trying to figure out where they belong in this new family dynamic. We actually have a biological four year old which tests most of the limits anyway. But it’s almost like all of our children are four again. Pushing the boundaries, whining about little things, finding their place. It’s just part of the valley. This is a difficult thing for all of the children. They’re going to try and figure out where they fit. I’m happy to say, at least for our biological children, they hit the wall and bounced back a couple days later. But the adoptive children have a longer road. They’re learning new dynamics, new expectations, new norms. We don’t do whining in our family. We don’t cry every time you fall on your boodle. We rub some dirt on it and move on. Adoptive kids don’t likely have this mechanism in them – well, at least ours don’t. We’ve had tears over some pretty trivial things, in my book. To get past this hurdle in the valley, you need copious amounts of patience and endurance. Amy and I have determined we can’t expect the same things out of our adoptive children yet we expect out of our biological children. They just don’t have the ability yet. It will come through patience and training, but patience starts with us. Your kids are gonna test you. Be ready.

3. Talking to Your Children Takes A Lot Longer – Google translator. Get it. For your phone and any other device you have. It will take MUCH longer to have a conversation of any type with your adoptive child(ren) unless they are older and have learned English – or you speak fluent Polish. This sounds like a bad thing, but here’s what I’ve noticed. We parents often speak, correct, solve, expound, or pontificate so fast, we have not often thought about what we say before it flies out of our mouth. Having to translate really makes you slow down and think about communicating. How often do you say something to your child or spouse but don’t really communicate with them. We think nothing of it and move on. maybe the message was delivered, maybe not. This is not an option when you are working with a computer translator – especially in correction, instruction, or communicating love/approval. It’s long and difficult, but the slow moments of communication it produces are priceless. Slow down and let it take longer. Where else do you have to be? (most of us should apply this principle in our real lives as well!)

4. There is LIFE in the Valley! More bonding, true bonding has happened since we hit the wall, descended the mountain, and landed in the valley than all the previous time combined. I think we are often afraid of the valleys of life. They are foreboding, confusing at times, and then there’s that whole “valley of the shadow of death” thing. But truthfully, without the valley, you and I would never grow – not as spiritual beings, not as parents, not as spouses, not as people. The valley is hard; the undergrowth is thick, and the mosquitoes are relentless. But the fruit is so sweet, the water is fresh, the life blooming all around us is amazing, and God is with us. The undergrowth makes us slow down and pay attention. The difficult terrain causes us to watch where we step so we don’t tread on those we love. The mosquitoes….they’re just there to throw you off. The enemy would rather you spend your time swatting at little bugs than realize the wonderful life with which God has surrounded you. Don’t be distracted by the dishes, or the lack of a dishwasher or dryer, or the fact you can’t even go to McDonald’s if you wanted. Focus on the LIFE God is producing in your heart, the hearts of your children, and frankly, anyone else with which you may come in contact. There’s life in the valley.

Like William Wallace said (at least Mel Gibson’s version), “All men die, but very few ever really live.”

SO LIVE!!!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 37 other subscribers

Archives

  • May 2019
  • April 2018
  • November 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • January 2017
  • November 2016
  • June 2016
  • April 2016
  • February 2016
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • August 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • January 2015
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Bringing Them Home
    • Join 37 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Bringing Them Home
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...